Dear

[ ] sir        [ ] Barney  [ ] kook   [ ] big wave rider
[ ] windbag    [ ] peace-nik        [ ] ratbastard       
[ ] eurotrash  [ ] white trash   [ ]  trailer trash   
[ ] moon beam  [ ] boor   
[ ] Geek       [ ] sponger  [ ] loser  
[ ] save the planet freak
[ ] Canadian [ ] muffdiver     [ ] wannabe     
[ ] treehugger  [ ] fuckwad      [ ] longboarder     
[ ] kneeboarder

You are being  flamed because;
[ ] you don?t surf
[ ] you constantly advertise your lame web page w/ocontributing to alt.surfing
[ ] you posted a binary, [picture] to a non-binary group.
[ ] you continued a boring useless stupid thread
[ ] you repeatedly posted to the same thread that you just posted to
[ ] you repeatedly initiated incoherent, flaky, and mindless threads
[ ] you posted a piece riddled with profanities
[ ] you advocated Net censorship
[ ] you SCREAMED! (used all caps)
[ ] you posted some sort of crap that doesn't belong in this group
[ ] you posted the inanely stupid 'Make Money Fast' article
[ ] you posted a request for surf pics and stories
[ ] your sig file has a Microsoft disclaimer
[ ] you posted a request for surf spot locations
[ ] you posted an inanely stupid long vs short board article
[ ] you threatened others with physical harm
[ ] you repeatedly assumed unwarranted moral or intellectual superiority
[ ] you are under the misapprehension that this group is your preserve
[ ] you repeatedly have shown lack of humor
[ ] you are apparently under compulsion to post to every thread
[ ] you are posting "test" msgs to alt.surfing instead of alt.test
[ ] you responded to an obvious troll
[ ] you posted an article on the benefits of hemp surfboards
[ ] you have a sig that is more than 5 lines long
[ ] you have a sig with more than 4 lines of ASCII graphics
[ ] you assumed that AOL/CIS/Prodigy founded the Internet
[ ] you neglected to do research on the chosen subject
[ ] you asked a question that was covered in the available FAQ
[ ] you redundently covered the same point over and over
[ ] you assumed that the Internet is a U.S. only phenomenon
[ ] you crossposted excessively
[ ] you fall all over yourself responding to female posters
[ ] you posted the Good Times virus spread by e-mail message
[ ] you used long lines, i.e. you didn't break up your lines 
after 60-70 characters, thereby making it hard to quote 
your post.
[ ] You posted a request on how to learn how to surf.
[ ] you posted a "me too" post
[ ] Barged into a quiet little news group/IRC 
channel/MUD/whatever and started  stinking up the 
place just because you read an article about the
news group/IRC channel/MUD/whatever in some 
magazine.
[ ] Repeatedly requested info on where to find surf websites
[ ] you, in any way, make shape, or form, used the term(s)
    [ ] "infobahn"  [ ] "lates"  [ ] "whatup?"  [ ] "cali"   
    [ ] "world peace"  [ ] "SUX"  [ ] "green room"     
    [ ] "ROOLZ"  [ ] "No fear"  [ ] "no nukes"
    [ ] KEWL/KOOL/K0oL    [ ] "information superhighway"  
    [ ] "zen surfing"
    [ ] Other annoying term:

[ ] you discussed the following in alt.surfing newsgroup;
    [ ] Hawaiian Surfing Superiority  [ ] French Nuclear Testing
    [ ] existence of God  [ ] alt.surfing.california
    [ ] government weather control     [ ] OJ
    [ ] Squeaky Fromme   [ ] Melrose Place
    [ ] robot spy bees  [ ] generation X
    [ ] hemp   [ ]  the Grateful Dead
    [ ] Other:

[ ] you considered the following to be reliable reference sources;
    [ ] Surfer   [ ] Steve Hawk  [ ] Surfing   [ ] Thrasher
    [ ] Snowboarding [ ] CNN News   [ ] Friends
    [ ] Oliver Stone    [ ] Hard Copy  [ ] Inside Edition
    [ ] PearlJam [ ] High Times    [ ] NY Post  
    [ ] Howard Stern  [ ] Fang   [ ]  Any famous NorCal surfer   
    [ ] HotWired   [ ] Wired  [ ] The Simpsons 
    [ ] Company Marketing Hype [ ] Microsoft 
    [ ] An unidentified, but obviously stupid, person or publication
    [ ] Other:

In the future, you may wish to;

[ ] surf more
[ ] quit surfing
[ ] take up tennis or bowling
[ ] don?t go outside
[ ] recall that there are academic and commercial users on the net
[ ] move to Ohio
[ ] consider that others may know more about certain subjects than you
[ ] exercise some humility
[ ] be careful of where you are crossposting to
[ ] 'lurk' without posting for a few days to learn the forum of a group
[ ] take personal discussions or stupid/boring threads to email
[ ] get used to being mocked
[ ] get used to being flamed
[ ] get used to losing
[ ] grow a brain
[ ] join your people on your planet of origin
[ ] remove the pipe from your nether regions
[ ] buy a nice fiery lakefront plot in the Hell you so richly deserve

I would like to suggest that, for the common good, you;

[ ] learn to surf
[ ] wait at least two hours before responding to another post
[ ] read the FAQ (frequently asked questions) list for the group
[ ] post only to alt.test
[ ] selectively respond to threads after reading all new 
messages in that thread
[ ] voluntarily apologize in a brief post
[ ] read http://www.whammer.com/
[ ] no longer contribute to this newsgroup
[ ] no longer contribute to any newsgroup
[ ] no longer contribute to the gene pool
[ ] look into the possibility of medication for the above problems
[ ] familiarize yourself with the history of the Internet
[ ] familiarize yourself with the concept of:
            [ ] patience            [ ] the thought process    
            [ ] caution
            [ ] common courtesy     [ ] succinctness
            [ ] vocabulary          [ ] higher brain functions
            [ ] Other:

Please save this message and review it occasionally to 
determine your progress toward being;

[ ] a useful member of alt.surfing
[ ] a less annoying member of alt.surfing
[ ] a human being
[ ] a fully-functional human being
[ ] a tolerable poster
[ ] integrated into humanity
[ ] re-integrated into the wild
[ ] Other:

Thank you for taking the time to read this form flame

The Sandman
keeper of the eternal flame
http://www.whammer.com/